Resilience

Resilience

5-7min read

Resilience is defined as the ability to recover from setbacks, adapt well to change, and keep going in the face of adversity. It's not a magic wand that erases the pain and the challenges that come up throughout our lives but it does seem to be the golden ticket to the reduction of our suffering. Resilience is an important life skill, and one that we (whether or not we know it) are constantly practicing. The severity of our practice varies widely in our day-to-day lives. From getting owned constantly in a video game and wanting to improve our skills, to the death of a loved one, resilience allows us to continue gritting our teeth and grinding towards our achievements and well being, or knowing that "this too, shall pass". It's also our resilience that allows us to stand up after a failure or rejection and say to ourselves, "this is not how the story ends for me".

Resilience is neither ethically good nor bad. It is merely the skill and the capacity to be robust under conditions of enormous stress and change. Resilience in every form is valid; just because we didn't serve in a war does not mean that our plight is invalid, or lesser. However small or large, our ability to fight back builds upon itself. It's the mindset that we know that we can overcome anything. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. What I'd like to talk about in this post is how to identify resilience, why we need it, and what you can do to influence it in your life.

If you've ever been rejected -- be it from a job or a love interest, you know the sinking feeling of unworthiness and disappointment. In fact, I literally just got rejected from a job that I applied to in which I thought the interview went really well. Reading the cookie-cutter rejection, I felt my heart rate spike, and afterwards I felt the low point. This is the exact moment in where we can recognize what is happening, and decide how to react. We could drag our feet, we could be upset, or we could lash out, stating that they've made a mistake. Maybe we didn't even want to work there anyway. These coping mechanisms will not help us get the job, will not relieve us of our sour feelings, and certainly will not make us a better candidate for our next endeavor. What’s more, is that they do nothing to help build our resilience. We all have our different methods of coping, but some are definitely better than others. So what can we do instead? Well, that leads us to the second half of the post:

Things that can influence resilience

First, let's look at self-awareness. Self awareness is when we pause to reflect on our thoughts and feelings. It allows us to better understand ourselves, and why we're feeling the way we do. Currently, I'm feeling rejected and maybe a little unworthy. I feel this way because I literally just got rejected, and as a result I'm questioning whether or not I can bring the value I thought I could in my interview. Resilience is going to help me continue to search and ultimately apply to new jobs in the future. Furthermore, resilience will allow me to reflect on the past events with kindness and understanding to better my future chances. Without resilience, I will definitely stay in my current position, and even risk spiraling downwards in self-doubt and self-loathing.

Once we've identified our feelings and their cause, it's important to practice self control. Self control is not suppressing our emotions. It's about understanding how our feelings are making us behave, and correcting those behaviors. My knee-jerk reaction was to be upset and dismissive about the interview process, but after reflecting I know that I could have been better in my interview. I could have been more enthusiastic, or I could have asked better questions. It's important to identify our behaviors and weed out the negative ones that do nothing to help us. Again, I want to reiterate that it’s OK to be upset or sad, but we must take a step back when we’re able and try to decipher why we feel the way we do, and how it’s changed our behavior. After we've identified our behaviors, we can practice mental flexibility.

Mental flexibility is being open to new ideas and opinions -- especially ones that do not align with our own -- and listening to those ideas without passing judgement. It allows us to be more open minded and accept things as they are without placing preconceived bias on them. This often comes in the form of feedback from others and sometimes ourselves. Once we garner the feedback, how we apply it is up to us. We certainly do not need to take everything that is said to heart, and we do not need to apply it, either. However, the different perspective can help build our resilience, give us a better understanding of how we can improve ourselves, and help us in future situations. This can be especially difficult when we hold firm beliefs on how the world works. Often times we are unwilling to accept that there is a different -- and even in some cases -- better way. Doing something different does not mean that we are accepting defeat, or that we are wrong. It just is as it is; different. We have added a new tool to our tool belt, and whether or not we use it is up to us. The act of being mentally flexible with aid us the next time we are quick to dismiss and ultimately guide us in our journey to build resilience.

Lastly, optimism. Being optimistic isn't only about trying to find the good in every situation. It's about letting things go and moving on. We don't want to hang on certain feelings and let them dictate the rest of our day or life. When we encounter an aggravating event like traffic, do we let it put us in a sour mood and watch the cascading effects unfurl before us, or do we approach our next encounter (whatever that may be) without the weight of our emotions on our back? Being optimistic can be as simple as not always assuming the worst, or thinking that everything has to be an "always" or "never" outcome. It's important for us to understand and to be able to differentiate between things that are within our control and things that are outside of our control. By accepting things that are not in our control, we can alleviate the pressure and stress that comes with them. Things outside of our control can be objectively bad or good, but unless we are in a position to influence them, it's best to leave them be as they are and accept them. They are more or less irrelevant to our personal lives. When something is in our control, however, we can make conscious and thoughtful decisions to improve the situation, no matter how big or small. From how we decide to react to negative and positive events in our lives, to the things we do in our daily lives to build towards the future we want for ourselves, resilience is what will give us the ability to continue and persevere through all of it.

We all deal with our emotions and suffering differently. There is no right or wrong way, but being kind and forgiving to ourselves is paramount in finding happiness and building resilience. It allows for us to be open and caring, it allows for us to bounce back when we’re feeling down, and most importantly, it allows us to be strong and resilient towards whatever comes our way.